Trapped…Finding a Voice for Marriage
April 18th, 2013If you ventured into the world of Facebook at the end of March, you likely found yourself in a war zone.
Instead of profile pictures of faces, there was a sea of red equal signs and plus signs. Nearly every status included an opinion on what marriage is or should be. Angry comments were left on nearly every status. Slogans were repeated. Memes and graphics were used to defend a point.
Early on March 26, I found myself in the middle of the non-virtual war zone. I was standing in the street in Washington, DC in between two sidewalks full of those who advocate for the redefinition of marriage. I was standing in a sea of people who advocate for the preservation of marriage as the lifelong union between one man and one woman.
No matter where one looked, there were signs representing both sides of the debate. There were people on both sides using their personal experiences to advocate for why things should be a certain way.
The fact that thousands of marriage-supporters had rallied at the National Mall and walked to the Supreme Court where they were then surrounded by those (albeit a smaller group) who supported “equality,” “love,” and “freedom” was a fairly accurate physical portrayal of the debate today.
Those of us who support marriage have been invited to discuss our opinions … only if the discussion is on the terms of those who disagree. So, the issue of what marriage is can no longer be about objective meaning, sacrifice, grace, gift, vocation and procreation. Now it’s about “love,” “equality,” “freedom,” “rights,” “fairness” and “tolerance.”
We can’t have these discussions if we don’t first define these terms. Those who advocate marriage and those who advocate its redefinition have very different understandings and definitions of love, gender, the human person, freedom, compassion and rights. If we’re invited to a discussion where those terms have already been implicitly defined, then our voice is already taken away.
You can’t meander onto facebook – or the public square – and say something that opposes a redefinition of marriage without being called a bigot, a hater, a mean-spirited Christian or some other ad hominem remark. We are unloving. We are uneducated. We are cruel. So they say.
And there’s the argument of, “But I have a friend …” or “My uncle is …” This implies that those who support marriage do not have friends or relatives who have same-sex attraction. That is a ridiculous claim. Having a friend or relative with same-sex attraction does not necessitate supporting the redefinition of marriage. Love must often say difficult things. Saying difficult things is often loving. Love and sacrifice, love and the difficult cannot be separated into their own corners, prohibited from being in the same room together. In fact, if you remove one from the room, then you remove them both.
At the March for Marriage, I’ll admit that there were moments when I felt trapped. Trapped by misunderstood vocabulary. Trapped by the limits of sound bites and slogans. Trapped by the polarization that people believe that says we can either allow people to marry someone of the same-sex or we hate them.
It broke my heart to see signs from those seeking the redefinition of marriage implying that they had been told that God hates them. Whoever said God hated them? Sure, the Westboro Baptist Church says it all the time, but are we really taking our definition of Christianity from them? Anyone who says God hates people who have same-sex attraction clearly does not understand God or love.
I felt trapped in the street in front of the Supreme Court building because the beauty of marriage cannot be expressed in the confines that we have been handed. The truth is a delicate set of paradoxes:
– That God loves people regardless of their sexual proclivities … but God cares how we use our sexuality, and He has given us the Church to guide us in knowing how to best live our sexuality.
– That God wants every person to be happy … but happiness does not involve doing whatever we want whenever want. Happiness is fully becoming who we were created to be.
– That suffering is real, and surely those with same-sex attraction experience it in sometimes excruciating ways … but suffering can also bear fruit, and we are all invited to participate in Christ’s suffering by uniting our own. Without the cross, there is no resurrection.
– That freedom is important and we should all be free … but freedom is not doing whatever I want, but having the ability to choose the good.
– That we are all created for love … but love is willing the good of the other – the good of the whole person. Love is not just a matter of feelings and emotions. It is a matter of sacrificing and dying to self for the sake of another.
– That those who marry are not better than other people … but marriage remains a beautiful call, a vocation, and a path to holiness.
Standing in the sea of protestors on that Tuesday morning, and watching the barrage of debate on facebook, I realized that my opportunity to articulate what marriage is and why it is so is becoming increasingly difficult.
Without words what is left?
Living.
Yes, we need to live the truth of love, the truth of freedom, the truth of gender, the truth of gift. We need to live the good of love, the good of freedom, the good of gender, the good of gift. We need to live the beauty of love, the beauty of freedom, the beauty of gender, the beauty of gift.
If our words are taken from us – redefined, newly connoted, stripped of their meaning – our voice is not also taken. Witness speaks, even when it is silent. Perhaps it will be what we are left with, but perhaps we will be given the opportunity then to say more than ever.
Photo Credit: Opponents and supporters of same sex marriage demonstrated outside of the Supreme Court on March 26, 2013. Religion News Service photo.
Once again your words say “I don’t hate,” but your actions show hate. The thought that your religious beliefs trump the rights of others is infuriating. In marriage you enjoy legal and financial benefits that unmarried people don’t enjoy. If marriage was strictly a religious institution you might have some ground to stand on but marriage is also a legal and civic institution and by denying that right to others we are creating an unequal society under the law. If you truly believe that marriage is a strictly religous institution then file your taxes as a single person rather than married filing jointly.
I am going to quote you now “Happiness is fully becoming who we were created to be.” Well gay people are born gay. That is who they are created to be, yet you and others like you would condemn them to be who they were not created to be. You and your ilk act like being gay is a choice. It isn’t. People are gay because that is who they are. To make them live lives without romantic love and companionship is awful. You don’t think they are cabable of dying for each other and sacrificing for each other, then you don’t understand gay people.
If you don’t want to marry gays in the Church fine, but stay out of the legal and financial definition of marriage. By attempting to limit the legal definition of marriage you create a second class of citizens.
To say that people who are gay are morally disordered (Pope Benedict “Light of the World: The Pope, the Church and the Signs of the Times,” which was published Nov. 23.) isn’t nice.
To finish I will quote Mr. Lincoln, “Those who deny freedom to others deserve not freedom for themselves and under a just God cannot long retain it.”
Mark,
Thanks for taking the time to read and to share your comments. Rather than engage the topic of whether or not marriage should be a legal or religious matter, I’d like to clarify a couple of things that you said about my post.
Whether or not someone is “born gay” is still a matter that is being studied and researched. However, whether or not someone is born with a same-sex attraction, the fact still stands that one does not *choose* the attraction. But there is a difference between an attraction and an action. One may be attracted to any number of people or behaviors, but an attraction does not require one to behave in a particular way. A married man may be attracted to another woman, but he does not have to engage in a relationship with her. An alcoholic may desire a few beers, but drinking them is not a requirement of the desire.
Consequently, there is a difference between one’s attraction and his action. This is one reason why the Church does not refer to people as “gay” or “lesbian.” To do so is to identify them by their sexual attraction and to reduce them to a sexual desire instead of viewing them as a whole person. A person isn’t “gay.” A person has same-sex attraction and has no less dignity than anyone else.
To say that, “Happiness is fully becoming who we were created to be” is not about the ability to have a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex; it’s about our ultimate communion with God who literally loved us into existence.
A major reason for this post was to discuss the challenges we have been given in today’s climate. When one cannot express the purpose and gift of marriage without being called a bigot or a hater, then words no longer have as much meaning. I sincerely do not hate anyone with same-sex attraction. Of my own friends and acquaintances who have same-sex attraction and have embraced a life of chastity, I have seen incredible joy, peace and fulfillment. Chastity is a gift offered to everyone, regardless of their sexual attractions. In seeing how truly freeing and beautiful chastity is, I can say with great confidence, as John Paul II once observed, that it is the sure way to happiness.
There are organizations that exist, such as Courage, that do not attempt to “change” a person’s attractions, but do exist as a support in embracing a life of chastity. I do not pretend that these situations are easy, but I do believe that the countercultural vision given us by the Church is not one for our misery, but for our greatest good.
What I find most disturbing is not the Church’s preaching on Gay Marriage its that they want to force their views of marriage on everybody else even those not of the same faith. When you petition the Government as you did with your demonstration you are attempting to influence public policy and trample on the religious or non-religious liberties of others while attempting to preserve your own religious liberties (HHS mandates etc.) Seems a bit hypocritical to me.
This is one of the issues that have caused me to leave the church. Sadly instead of being an open door to help people the church has continued to condemn people and demand they behave the way they want them to behave. Instead of being a door to Jesus they have resorted to shaming and finger pointing. While not as terrible as the Westboro Baptist Church folks, this discriminatory idea of preventing people from loving who they want to love is still in the same wheelhouse.
Sadly once again the Church is on the wrong side of history and they may eventually learn that.
Mark, the Church is not arbitrarily imposing their opinion on everyone else. The Church is upholding the good of marriage. Marriage simply *is* the lifelong union between one man and one woman. It is not something that can be redefined. It simply is. I cannot decide that pizza is really ice cream or that basketball involves kicking a ball into a goal. But even more so, marriage is not an arbitrary institution that we can maneuver into whatever we want it to be. The definition of marriage does not change based on the person’s religious views.
The Church is an “expert in humanity,” not because she has a power trip and wants to control people, but because she has been entrusted with the task of serving the good of the human person.
THANK YOU for Speaking THE TRUTH. Continue to Be Strong. BE the voice of those who are Indifferent here….Those who aren’t Understanding The CONSEQUENCES here. Those who even call themselves “Catholic.” They do not even Know/Respect What that honorable label means. God Help Us, I Pray. This is only the beginning of much ridicule and persecution of All Christians. God Help Us to be strong. In the end, we will Know GOD’S WORD does not change….GOD’S WILL BE DONE.
Emily, Thank you for this thoughtful and reasoned examination of an issue that has so often been “discussed” via rants and sound bites, neither of which are adequate by any measure.