Family Life Office

Marriages often go through periods of disillusionment and difficulty. Before making a decision to divorce, couples should consider one or more of following:

Counseling – Many couples have found help their for marriages and personal growth through counseling. Contact the Family Life Office for a list of qualified Marriage and Family Therapists.

Before You Divorce is designed as a tool to help you “stop the train”. It will help you cut through the emotional and hurt to paint a realistic, stark picture of what the couple can expect if they continue toward divorce. There are two video tapes with five sessions along with a workbook-Choosing Wisely for the couple.

Retrouvaille—a program to help couples heal and renew their own marriage relationship— www.retrouvaille.org/home.htm

Third Option - an on-going program to help build better marriages.
www.thethirdoption.com

BEYOND Divorce

Divorcing men and women are often astounded by the extent of their losses. The marriage that had been an important part of life at one time is now gone. So is a life style, future plans, a chunk of one’s identity, and perhaps a home, financial security, free access to children, shared friendships. The list goes on. For many, the massive losses create a feeling of rootlessness—a need to feel connected. For many, the feelings of loss and unconnectedness are entangled with a gnawing sense of failure and dwindling feelings of self-worth.

Lives are further complicated by turbulent and conflicting emotions. Men and women are filled with bitterness, resentment, and anger may suddenly feel stunned by surges of love and yearning for their former spouse. Their predominant feelings of self-pity, sadness, and depression are suddenly displaced by intoxicating feelings of euphoria, well-being, and freedom. Then, as suddenly as it appeared, the euphoria is snatched away. The pendulum swings back and forth, leading people to feel as if they are in a tiny raft being tossed around on a stormy sea or as if they are on an emotional roller coaster

With divorce process comes time-consuming paperwork, the necessity of dealing with an unfamiliar legal system, new loneliness, difficulties concentrating, countless questions from relatives and friends, and the endless decisions (about custody, visitation, how to handle holidays, who should go to the children’s play, how every material possession collected over a lifetime together should be divided, and so on).

The Uncoupling Hurdle---

Completely uncoupling yourself from your spouse could be the most difficult struggle you have after divorce. The disentangling process includes some difficult tasks, including coming to terms with the end of the marriage and becoming emotionally detached from your former spouse.

In the process of uncoupling, you may find that a large chunk of your identity is also entangled with your ex-partner’s, and with your role as “husband” and “wife”. Talk of an identity crisis” is a common theme among divorcing men and women, and the question “Who am I?” is asked over and over again.

Progression through divorce can de divided into three broad stages: pre-separation, transition-restructuring, and recovery-rebuilding. Looking at these three stages can provide you with a road map of what may lie ahead. The road map is only a rough one, however. It sketches the types of experiences and feelings that are common during these stages.

Pre-separation

People’s experiences are most varied before they make the decision to file for divorce. For some the long months, and perhaps years, before the decisive separation is a volatile period of acrimony and anger. For some it is a period of mutual indifference, whereas for others it is a period of sinking disillusionment and hopelessness. Some engage in endless discussions and negotiations in attempt to save the marriage, while others are taken by complete surprise when a spouse leaves.

Transition-Restructuring

The period of transition and restructuring after divorce begins with the separation and will last, on the average, two years. It is during this period that the majority of divorcing men and women seem to encounter the most similar experience and feelings—sometimes referred to as the “divorce experience” although with differing intensity.

During this stage, divorcing partners usually experience far more trauma and disorientation than they had anticipated. Sure, the continuous battles are ended. So is the constant criticism and uncomfortable indecision. But this is the time of turbulent and conflicting emotions, when people are literally assaulted with loss, change, and practical problems. It is a time when the familiar past is traded for the unknown future.

People express their anxiety and distress in different ways. Some withdraw into the sanctuary of their homes, while others engage in a frenzy of activities to escape. Some sleep the days away, while others feel fortunate to sleep a few uninterrupted hours each night. Some people bury themselves in work; others can’t seem to stop eating. Some are apathetic, others are irritable. Some cry uncontrollably; others stoically hold in everything. Some turn to friends, some to alcohol, tranquilizers, violence, religion, or professional therapy.

Restructuring

Nothing will mark the onset of this time. You will likely have one foot in each world. You your progress is not likely to be smooth. In the process of restructuring, most people at some time enter a phase of experimentation and do things they had always wanted to do by trying out new activities, interests, and relationships.

RECOVERY - Rebuilding

The recovery and rebuilding period is sometimes humorously referred to as the “Phoenix stage,” when people rise from the ashes of divorce. On the average, people enter the recovery –rebuilding phase roughly two years after separation, and it lasts two to three years. However, some people get stalled in this stage for many years. Those who successfully complete this stage have learned to accept the end of their marriages and the role they played in the breakup. They have disengaged themselves from their former spouses and created separate identities. They have achieved some detachment from their exs so there is no longer a need for either hostility or dependence. And they have clarified their priorities, set realistic goals, and found a satisfying life style.

Armed with this road map and a repertoire of good coping skills, you can more easily clear the hurdles that divorce presents and avoid many of the difficulties that complicate the lives of so many divorcing people. Your divorce may remain a significant event in your life, but it does not have to remain the dominant one.

The Family Life Office offers variety of programs through the various stages of divorce. Not all the programs are offered from each of the offices. Please call your local office to find out what is available. In addition to the variety of programs available, the Family Life Office can offer leadership training for the various programs. Valuable information may be found on the web for particular programs. Various books are also available for those coping with divorce.

SUPPORT

Divorce Care is a weekly seminar/support group. Sessions combine teaching and small group discussions. Materials can be used with small groups in the home or large groups in parish meeting rooms. Divorce Care can be an on-going support group or it could be done in a series of evening.

New Visions Services (Cincinnati) — www.NewVisions.Homestead.com

Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher. Rebuilding is a book frequently used in a support group type atmosphere. It explores fifteen building blocks in the process of adjustment to the loss of love.

Just Me and The Kids (for single parents and their children). This 10-12 week program is adapted for both the parent and the children experiencing separation and/or divorce.

RAINBOWS is an international not-for-profit organization that offers training and curricula for establishing local peer support groups in churches, schools or social service agencies. www.cssdoorway.org/education

Sunrise—a Support Program for Children of Divorced Parents. This is a flexible program which can be adapted to the needs of the group. Ideally, Sunrise runs parallel groups for parents and children. (Contact the Sidney Office for more information).

NULLITY of Marriage

Annulment Information Evenings—an informational evening done around the Archdiocese of Cincinnati periodically to address the annulment process and meet local Procurators.

Archdiocese of Cincinnati Tribunal Office www.catholiccincinnati.org

Once Catholic www.oncecathoic.org

Additional Links:

North American Conference of Separated & Divorce Catholics, Inc. www.NACSDC.org

AL-ANON/ALATEEN www.al-anon-alateen.org

Stepfamily Association of America www.saafamilies.org